The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
