Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
