I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i will never coherently bang her
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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