literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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