I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
