I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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