i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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