Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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