We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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