I wannas sexs uuuuu
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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