Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
