Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We are two peas in an std pod
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
