Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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