I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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