I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
