dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
