Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
me + whiskey = a bad person
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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