i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
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Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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