I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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