Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
