I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize