A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
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she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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