hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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