hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just threw up on my dentist
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
