Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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