What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
