Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
