We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
