i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
