strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
