dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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