Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
