Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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