I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
