Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i think i have herpe
just one?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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