how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
