I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
