you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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