The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
