And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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