I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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