My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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