I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
