I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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