Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
