You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
