He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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