Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
