i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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