how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
