there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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