Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
