Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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