She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You dont lie about slip and slides
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
