i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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