i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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