I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
