When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
