Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
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I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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