When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
