you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You can't just leave with hair like that
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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