That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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